Qucik and brief update!

I haven't been here much, and I need to start writing down stuff more because they're all just bundling up and I know soon it will be too much. But, recently I just got my period for sure this time! My body is healthy and back on track once more! I've been going out lately to parties with a friends so I can start being social again, not really working because the liquid calories of alcohol still frighten me. I have been working out lately to Nike Training, only around 30-45 minute workouts, so not intense. I've only been working out five times a week, so that's not as much as I use to be obsessed with!

It's the same, all over again.

I've been struggling lately, ever since I weighed myself on Monday. I'm now 119 pounds, a HUGE difference from being 100 before.. I haven't been that heavy for a year and it's a scary number. Sure I probably don't look like it, but knowing I'm that much, makes me feel like it. I know a number shouldn't define how I look, or who I am, but I'm letting it get to me. My ED voice is telling me to eat little again, to exercise just to loose weight and get back down to a low weight. All I've been looking for, for a sigh to know I'm healthy again, is my period. I haven't gotten mine for I believe a year or maybe eight months. Yeah, that's horrible, I know.. I feel as though I'm alone through this journey. My mom doesn't understand how much I struggle, Cody doesn't realize that this isn't a joke, that this is a serious situation. Actually, I feel like my whole family and friends feel like this isn't a big deal. They're all like, "Just eat. It's that simple." Fuck, no it's not, it's not that fucking simple. This is the toughest thing anyone has to deal with. Because I'm consumed by this voice telling me on what to do, what to eat and not to eat. I can't fight it, I'm not that strong, and that's because I have no one to help me with this. We can't afford a therapist for me, or a dietian anymore. I want to continue, I want to fight and be healthy again, but right now I'm just falling down hill once again. I wish this all would end, that I don't have to worry anymore about food, and eat my favorite meals/food. I miss not worrying about how many calories I'm consuming, how unhealthy a certain food is.

Another new month..

First off, last night I had a lot of candy, well I wouldn't call it a lot since it wasn't that much, but it felt like it. I felt bad for eating it, but not as guilty as I use to, because I wanted it and I didn't want to deprive myself. And plus it was Halloween! Anyway, today is a new month, and so I decided to weigh in. I've reached 119 pounds, and I haven't been that for a year. It scared me, I hated the number, I wanted to try and deprive myself with food. I feel the need to consecutively exercise again to lose weight, because I always hated that number. My mother told me I don't look like it, but I feel like it. If that makes any sense... I know I should be happy, that I'm at a healthy weight, but where the hell is my period then? It's pissing me off. The only way I will know I'm healthy once more is if my period returns, I haven't gotten it for a year now, pretty much, and that's really bad. I can't give up, but all of a sudden I'm crushing under the pressure of my eating disorder voice of telling me to eat little and exercise more. I need to win this, but at the same time, I want to lose . . . .

Old habits returning,

After reaching my goal weight of 115 pounds, I'm returning back to my old habits of eating. I'm only reaching 1200 calories the max, and exercising five days a week. It's hard for me just to stop counting calories, or stop exercising, because I've done it for so long, obsessed with body-image and calories and fat content for so long, it's just sticking to me. I want to stop, honestly, I want to enjoy eating and not feel horrible for what I have eaten. If it's one of my favorite foods, lets say lasagna or one of my moms homemade meals, or a favorite treat my aunt makes, I won't eat it at all even though it's a once in a while deal. Because I'm afraid of the calorie and fat content, and on how bad it is for me. It's just a natural fear I've had for years, a horrible habit and obsession that's hard to break...

I want things better

I just wish I would get my period back already, then I know that I'm finally healthy and my body is getting its hormones balanced again, and to know I'm a teenage girl again. That's the only sign I'm waiting for, and I'm hoping it's soon. But I need to work on my relationship with food, it's still not healthy. I get these small panic attacks about food I'm eating and how much I ate of it, and I'm once again obsessing over my calorie intakes. I need to somehow block Myfitnesspal so I don't go on it anymore. I just want things back to normal, honestly. I have a slight better view on my body when I look at it in the mirror, but sometimes it's distorted here and there. I've been positive, well, trying at least. But it doesn't help that my family is struggling, and college is in the way. But I know I have to keep going. For myself, friends, and family.

Back in high school.

I feel as though I was never liked.. As if people were annoyed by me, all because I was obnoxious or too loud. But it's something I can't really control. Having ADHD is hard to deal with, especially when I don't take my medication for it. I obviously didn't have many friends back in high school, and don't have many now. I never really liked people, I felt as though I never fit in, so I tended to avoid social events. I wish I could change myself when it comes to this, but I can't, I was born with these genes that I will have to live with through my years of living...

Are things getting harder, or easier?

It's tough to decide if I'm actually getting through this recovery thing. I'm back to obsessing over calories and exercise that I'm scared of going over 1200-1300 calories again, which is a bad thing, I know. But things are just getting harder. Anyway onto other things, I've been wanting to go out with friends and have fun, but I'm scared to like I've always been. My mind is just use to this constant schedule when I would eat and when I would wake, and I know if I go out and drink I'd sleep late and mess up my eating schedule. It's just a constant thing, and it's getting really annoying. I just wish I could knock this messed up voice that's controlling my life, out of my mind!

It gets on my nerves.

My mom wants to support me with recovery, but how can she when she's always pressuring me to just eat and forget about calories and shit. No. It doesn't work like that. And then here she is always eating take out food, fast food, unhealthy crap around me. Does she even realize how it makes me feel?! She doesn't know that it's her fault for my eating disorder....

College classes..

Yesterday was the first day of my brush up classes, lecture reading, lecture English, and math lab. They weren't that bad, but I hate how waste of time they are for my college years. They don't even count towards credit for classes, which is a waste and probably means that I have to stay there for three years instead of two to get the right amount of credits to graduate. This sucks, why must I be so stupid....

I just can't pull through

I just feel like I can't continue going on anymore, I'm crushing slowly under the pressure. I don't know if I can keep on walking now. Just remembering how much pain I suffered through during bullying in elementary school that continued with me on through high school, it's just too much to keep this fake smile on my face. I may seem like this happy carefree girl, and I'm trying to be, but I just can't pull it anymore longer. I'm ugly, I'm fat, I'm dumb and retarded.... My family is just not strong enough, through the struggles the fights, everything that has happened; divorce, foreclosure, job loss. I can't continue on this this struggling pain to keep my family happy, or myself happy. I just want to give up so bad, I just want this pain to go away..... I'm sorry.

A bigger step in life...

College and reality. I'm not ready, I'm not sure if I can do it. I have to have confidence, I know, but knowing that this is a bigger step, a more stressful part in my life, I'm not sure if my patience or anxiety will be in control.. I was too late for registration, and the horrible disappointing part is that I have to do brush up classes first... I cried when I figured that out. It didn't help my anxiety or confidence at all. But I know that it's a way for the college to let me know that they don't want to throw me out into the basic classes right away and stress out more, they want me ready. So that's a nice thing to know. I'm just not sure if I will like it though, because possibly all the afternoon classes are taking and I'd be stuck with the 7 AM ones. YUCK! I know that the college have tutors if I struggle, but when I had tutors in the past I was unable to stay with 'em because of my low tolerance and anxiety. I can't really explain how they don't help me, they just simply don't.. Maybe it will be different this year. I just need to pull through.

It's just getting harder..

Yesterday, my dad was put in jail, for a reason I don't know why. He wasn't drinking, he wasn't pulled over, he was just at the county jail taking some sort of test, and I guess he failed it and they put him behind bars. Again. I hate this, why can't my dad just learn from the first time? Why can't he grow up and stop being a child? Does he even realize that he's hurting me, he's hurting our family? He might have lost his job, and we are relying on him to keep me and my mom living.. And without his paycheck, without his insurance, we're ... falling. I don't know if things can get any worse. Honestly, I just hate how my life is turning out, I use to be so happy, guilt free, worry free. And then went summer 2011 came along it had to flip upside down.. Last night, I cut myself, the first time in how many years, but it wasn't as bad, I didn't go too deep, but I woke up this morning and there are still red marks.. I can't help but hate myself, I'm struggling, and no one can see it. I'm always locking myself up in my room, afraid to go out and see people, because I don't want them to worry about me.

Realization

I'm part of this program called 'JAG' at my old school, it's a program that helps kids that have a family who struggles with money. The person I wanted to see wasn't there. But the real reason I'm typing this is because went I walked through the hallways of that school, I realized one thing; I actually did it. I walked through those hallways for four years, and never lost hope in myself, I never gave up even with all the struggles I have faced in my life. I knew I could do it, and I did. I graduated with knowledge, though some of that knowledge I probably don't remember (hah!), strength, and belief. It's July, almost August, and I still have yet to register for classes in college. I'm scared to. I don't think I'm ready to conquer another two years of even the hardest part of life; reality, and college. With the bills and payments to worry about, the difficult classes, loans, a job, and now my family. Right now I feel like I can't handle going into college yet. Maybe I'll get a full time job, save up money, and find out who I really am. I don't want to rush yet, I still have things to find about myself, because honestly I don't know who I am yet. I need to do this one step at a time, that's all I can do and have to do.

Opening up

Today during work I opened up to a couple of my co-workers about my eating disorder, one of them has known me for a few years, and the other hasn't. But that one that hasn't known me for a long time, understands and knows what I'm going through. Yeah it was a little bit hard to open up to them, and answer her questions that she kept asking me, it was hard to answer them because I couldn't really exactly get out the words because I was afraid everyone would hear me, and judge me. But it was such a relief to get it off of my shoulders and at least open up to someone. She was really supportive because her mom dealt with bulimia, and she's also seeing a guy who just got out of therapy for bulimia,  so she understands me. She also has a problem with food, but never had an eating disorder herself. It was nice though to open up and tell a stranger (pretty much) about what I'm going through, I feel like I'm getting more support from her than anyone else. She told me herself that if I need anyone to talk to that she will be there for me.

Pizza!

When my mom would ever make frozen pizza, I would have like around two pieces, because that’s all I could really eat. I never really liked pizza when I was in middle school, then I use to eat the schools pizza my sophomore year in high school. But I don’t eat it anymore because it’s a fear food.. Anyway, I’m saying this because my mom is making a pizza right now, and believe it or not, she eats the entire thing by herself!
My mom use to be apart of Weight Watchers long time ago. She always ate healthy, and she was pretty thin (healthy). And then when she stopped exercising and eating healthy, she gained the weight back. She’s not heavy-heavy, but she’s not healthy thin anymore. She’s the reason why I’m scared to gain weight, truthfully.. I’ve always been afraid I’d turn out like her when I get older, that’s why I’m always was afraid to eat more. I was always told what you ate wouldn’t cause you to gain weight when you’re young, but it will catch up with you when you’re older. So I was always afraid on that theory.. And my mom never liked how she looked weight wise, so it always caused a negative affect on me. :/

A day in the Dells

     I went to Mt. Olympus yesterday with my best friend, aunt, and mother. We had a lot of fun, we didn’t go on many rides, only the lazy river (of course!) and the HUGE wave pool that has only one big ass wave that comes out! My mom was taken down by one, and oh my god was it fucking hilarious! She was like a beach whale getting washed up to shore (and she said that herself!) lmfao! It was hilarious! Otherwise, all we did was sit in the sun and have some margarita’s! My friend and I split two normal ones, they were really good for eight bucks a drink! Oh, and that’s a fear food (liquid calories) that I conquered! I didn’t get too badly sunburned because I put SPF 8 on, at least it’s some protection! There was also awesome music playing where we were sitting by the wave pool, a DJ was there and we just danced like no one was watching! Our excuses for acting strange? We will never see these people again in our life! (YOLO!) Then when we were about to leave, these three cute boys walked by and my friend did that cat whistle. We were stopping to get spray on tattoos and they kept looking back at us, then one of the boys actually came running back to us and asked us for our numbers! It was great! Cute boys numbers! Even though they live so far from us. :(
      Then after the water park we headed downtown to shop, we didn't look at many stores like we usually do because every damn store pretty much has the same things! We pretty much just went down there to get their famous fudge! I always get the dark chocolate kind (obviously), it's so fucking good! Pretty much the best damn fudge on this earth! Chocolate/fudge is one of my fear foods, and I am hoping to conquer this fear and eat a piece every night for dessert! It's so worth buying even though it cost me around six bucks for a small long piece of the fudge. I also got a mug that has a cabin feeling to it, and it has Wisconsin Dells written on it. That's what I'll be drinking my tea/coffee out of from now on! We were going to do old time photos, but the prices were pretty expensive and we were getting hungry and tired!
      Well we went to Pizza Pub down there, which has the best pizza ever! My family and I always went there whenever we were down there when I was little, and always got the pizza. My aunt and friend got spaghetti because they were craving it, and my mom and I got two single serving small pizzas. Mine was a vegetarian with green pepper, onions, black olives, mushrooms, and tomatoes. It was thick crush and very fluffy and cheesy! But very good that it satisfied my craving for pizza that I have been having for months! Though the bad thing is that after I was done eating just two pieces of the pizza, I felt horrible.. My aunt doesn't know about my ED and she said, "Oh come on! It was just two small damn pieces, it's not going to hurt you!" and I literally almost cried.. But my mom helped me out and told me, "Don't worry about it, it has veggies, dairy, and starch. It won't hurt you." so that helped me calm down. But pizza is my number one fear food and I actually conquered it without wanting to hit myself or want to workout or even purge. I sat there and I was proud! I did it!
     I had such a great time down there, I always do whenever I'm in the Dell's. I'm hoping to go back up there for Noah's Ark with my cousin and family, and then I'm hoping to stay up there at an old hotel my family and I always stayed at for a weekend or more when I was small. I love it up there! It makes me feel like I'm somewhere else in the states instead of Wisconsin. :)

Cake cake cake!

     Last night I saw a commercial about Dairy Queen's ice cream cake, and those were always my favorite. I use to get them for my birthday but this year I never got one because I was afraid. I was afraid of how unhealthy it was.. I never even got a cake for my birthday because of that fear of how bad it is for me. I wanted one so bad though, but just couldn't fight that voice in my head that kept saying no. I regret not getting one because they are my absolute favorite! I wouldn't need to get a big one, they have mini ones (they're called cupcakes) that I could have gotten which is just one serving. But I guess I didn't think of that.. This summer though, I will and plan to overcome that fear and challenge myself and get ice cream at Dairy Queen. I will not go for the healthy options, I will either get the cupcake or one of their blizzards. I can and will do this!

My father

     Him and I don't really have a good relationship, and never had.. He's an alcoholic, and was never part of the family when him and my mom were together. But when my parents got a divorce, now all of a sudden he wants to be apart of the family.. He was the main reason we got into debt and money issues because of his drinking. I just wish he would stop and actually fix himself. He always relied on my mom to pay for things (like the bills, food, the home, etc.). He lives with his mom because he doesn't really know how to live on his own.. Pretty much he's just a teenager stuck in a 50-year-old body. Even though he annoys my a lot, because he gives me the guilt trip and such, and sometimes I don't really like being around him, I still love him with all my heart because he's my only father.

I felt like writing

     I feel like I'm still maintaining the same weight since I last got weighed at the doctors, which it came out to be 106 lbs. I know I need to gain at least five or seven more pounds, all I want is to be at a healthy weight for my height and I just want my damn period back. It's great not having a period, but also it's bad not to have one. I have been eating more, I am nearly almost to 2000 calories a day since I've been keeping track of my intake on Myfitnesspal as of recently. It's helping me keep track of what I eat in a good way, and I'm not obsessive as I was when I first started counting calories.
     This morning I challenged myself with homemade bread that I got a a local farmers market, it's honey whole wheat and the ingredients are so simple. I always stress about nutrition facts for food, and not knowing the specific nutrition on the homemade bread gave me a huge challenge to overcome. Of course I ate it, toasted with two tablespoons of peanut butter and a banana. It was really good! The problem is I can't really calculate it into Myfitnesspal, there are some foods on the list but they're from other people, and the ingredients may not be the same as this homemade bread.
     I usually don't eat meat, specifically cow meat. But yesterday I was so hungry and craving a grilled hamburger, so my mom and I grilled out last night. I measured the serving size of meat which is around four ounces, and yes the meat was 93% lean so I'm okay with eating that. I usually eat red meat once every two or three months. Otherwise, I just eat chicken, turkey, fish, but mainly vegan burgers.

Big progression!

     I'm officially graduated from high school! June 3rd 2012 was the day I walked across the stage, I felt like I was going to cry when we switched our tassels to the right side of our cap, but I held myself together. This is a big step into my life, and I know I can do it.
     Anyway, I just wanted to mention that! But the big thing here is what is going on with my progress in recovery. Yesterday (June 7th) I had another catch up meeting with my dietitian. I talked to her about what I ate for my graduation party, and graduation day. On my graduation party I had around six pieces of our cake, and then two s'mores, and a lot, I mean A LOT, of fruit! But the main thing that got to me was the cake. But then I remember I told myself that I can't let that voice in my head to get a hold of me, it kept telling me, "Stay away from that cake, you'll get fat because of the butter and unhealthy fats." but I fought that voice, I said, "Screw you, this is my graduation party, I can eat what I want, not like I'll eat it everyday!" and so I ate it. I said it out loud at my meeting too, I said, "It's okay to treat myself, it's not going to mess up anything, I'll be perfectly fine." And I said the the same with the cookies 'n' cream ice cream (one scoop) in a waffle cone at my local ice cream pearl.
     My dietitian was proud of me, she told me that's a huge sign of progress, accepting the fact that I can treat myself and eat my favorite foods. Because I'm suppose to have those cheat days, I can't deprive myself. So lately I haven't been, if I want something, I'll eat it, but in a small portion. Slowly I'm also accepting my body, I got my weight checked and it came to be 106, I gained five to four pounds. It's slowly progressing, it's hard to determine if it's fat or muscle because the scale can't determine that. But I know that I'm getting healthy, for myself and my friends and family. I can do this!