Another new month..

First off, last night I had a lot of candy, well I wouldn't call it a lot since it wasn't that much, but it felt like it. I felt bad for eating it, but not as guilty as I use to, because I wanted it and I didn't want to deprive myself. And plus it was Halloween! Anyway, today is a new month, and so I decided to weigh in. I've reached 119 pounds, and I haven't been that for a year. It scared me, I hated the number, I wanted to try and deprive myself with food. I feel the need to consecutively exercise again to lose weight, because I always hated that number. My mother told me I don't look like it, but I feel like it. If that makes any sense... I know I should be happy, that I'm at a healthy weight, but where the hell is my period then? It's pissing me off. The only way I will know I'm healthy once more is if my period returns, I haven't gotten it for a year now, pretty much, and that's really bad. I can't give up, but all of a sudden I'm crushing under the pressure of my eating disorder voice of telling me to eat little and exercise more. I need to win this, but at the same time, I want to lose . . . .