A short rant of events

          So this Christmas weekend, I didn't even let myself indulge because I'm always scared to eat just one piece of chocolate or a cookie. Well, I did try one of my chocolate turtles I made for my mom, because they were dark chocolate, and she hates dark chocolate... And oh my God did it hit the spot! 

On Thursday I'm having a movie night with my chicka, Samie, we'll be snacking and drinking some wine so I'm looking forward to that. We need to have a bit of fun and let some stress go, and my mother is allowing us to do so.
          This morning after Christmas I weighed myself and apparently I lost more weight.. This is getting tougher on me! I'm trying to gain weight the healthy way so I can become healthy again, I hate being all weak and tired.

          Yesterday was the Packers game and I didn't feel like snacking at my aunts house when she hosted the game, so she warmed me up some of her grilled steak and holy shit, was it delicious! It was like a lap dance on my taste buds and an orgasm in my mouth all at the same time. I could eat another one now that I'm talking about it.

          On New Years Eve my aunt always host a party, and so on that day I think I'm going to eat one of those Hersey kisses peanut butter cookies that she made for Christmas, just to indulge myself, and maybe a turtle (one of mine) because they're so delicious. My New Years revolution is to become stronger, and get over this eating disorder that's eating me away, and enjoy food for once.

I just thought I rant different things instead of posting multiple post. (;

False or true?!

I have to stop looking on the internet for healthy food advice. I constantly get something like, "This is healthy!" and then another site says, "This is not healthy!" Seriously, everything is bad, even if it's healthy food, like bananas have too much sugar. Seriously, nothing is completely healthy. This is why I struggle, because I don't know what is true or false for healthy advice. I rather just go back to my normal eating habits, because this is such a struggle eating healthy.. I can't buy food to make a real dinner, so I grab frozen "healthy" meals like Lean Cuisine, or I try and get Amy's organic frozen meals. But seriously, this is a difficult lifestyle.. Being healthy is expensive and causes some serious damage (sometimes).

It's getting better.

I haven't been freaking out lately about eating, but still have problems eating enough food. I think I've gained some weight back, but I haven't weighed myself lately so I have no clue..
I'm excited for Christmas, but also nervous. I don't want to be tempted to eat any of the junk food my family will have during the holiday parties, and I'm afraid that I'll binged. I will just have to wait and see what happens when that day comes..

Weigh in

So today after school I weighed myself, I'm now 108. That's not healthy, especially for my height and how active I am. I need to gain weight, so I'm glad it's the holidays. No, I'm not gaining weight the unhealthy way, I'm trying to gain it back by the healthy way. But it's still hard, I'm still scared that eating too many calories will make me fat again, and not appreciate my body. This is going to take time, and help...

Death is scary

My grandmother passed away last night, it's the scariest thing to watch. I went to school today while my family stayed home, I just think it would be better and get things off my mind, but she just keeps popping up in my thoughts. I don't really feel like myself today, and I don't know how I'll be able to get through the day. I'll just have to wait and see..

Worst night..

Right now, if I was in a dying situation. I wouldn't care, I would just let death take me. I hate my life right now, I hate how messed up it suddenly became. I wish I was little again, where I didn't have to deal with an eating disorder, or money, or having to worry about where I'll be in life. I feel like I just fail everyone, I feel like I fail myself, that I will get no where in life. No one understands me, and I wish someone was out there to help me..

Little steps!

Yesterday I ate actual food. In the morning I made some healthy french toast, three slices of whole wheat bread with one egg white and one whole egg, also a banana. Then for lunch my school has a sub line, they had healthy choice bread (7-grain) so I got that with lettuce, cucumbers, pickles, tomatoes, onions, green peppers, three slices of turkey, and one half of a slice of provolone cheese. It was so good and filled me up! I realized that just eating those, I didn't even gain any fat around my stomach, sure I felt bloated and a bit too full (oops), but I didn't feel really guilty. Hopefully I can do that today! Wish me luck!

I want my old life back..

I miss how my life use to be, when my mother had a real job and we didn't have to worry so much about money. And how we had a home with a working air conditioner and working heat, now we live in a shitty duplex with an air conditioner that's a piece of crap and a heater that doesn't work. We can't afford the things we use to get, like a real Christmas tree. Nor can I get healthy food like I need, or organic like I want, because we don't have the money. Some people take it for granted, that their parents have the money..

Going to bed hungry..

My mom made this Mexican beef rice tonight for dinner, I don't know the nutrition facts for it because it's homemade. I feel like it's not a healthy meal, so I only had a half cup of it, and that's all with nothing else on my plate. I'm hungry, but I feel like just that cup was around 400 calories, and if I eat anything else then I will go over my limit on fat, calories, and carbs. I wish I could enjoy food like everyone else, and not have to worry on how many calories,fat, or carbs are in food I'm eating..