It gets on my nerves.

My mom wants to support me with recovery, but how can she when she's always pressuring me to just eat and forget about calories and shit. No. It doesn't work like that. And then here she is always eating take out food, fast food, unhealthy crap around me. Does she even realize how it makes me feel?! She doesn't know that it's her fault for my eating disorder....

College classes..

Yesterday was the first day of my brush up classes, lecture reading, lecture English, and math lab. They weren't that bad, but I hate how waste of time they are for my college years. They don't even count towards credit for classes, which is a waste and probably means that I have to stay there for three years instead of two to get the right amount of credits to graduate. This sucks, why must I be so stupid....

I just can't pull through

I just feel like I can't continue going on anymore, I'm crushing slowly under the pressure. I don't know if I can keep on walking now. Just remembering how much pain I suffered through during bullying in elementary school that continued with me on through high school, it's just too much to keep this fake smile on my face. I may seem like this happy carefree girl, and I'm trying to be, but I just can't pull it anymore longer. I'm ugly, I'm fat, I'm dumb and retarded.... My family is just not strong enough, through the struggles the fights, everything that has happened; divorce, foreclosure, job loss. I can't continue on this this struggling pain to keep my family happy, or myself happy. I just want to give up so bad, I just want this pain to go away..... I'm sorry.

A bigger step in life...

College and reality. I'm not ready, I'm not sure if I can do it. I have to have confidence, I know, but knowing that this is a bigger step, a more stressful part in my life, I'm not sure if my patience or anxiety will be in control.. I was too late for registration, and the horrible disappointing part is that I have to do brush up classes first... I cried when I figured that out. It didn't help my anxiety or confidence at all. But I know that it's a way for the college to let me know that they don't want to throw me out into the basic classes right away and stress out more, they want me ready. So that's a nice thing to know. I'm just not sure if I will like it though, because possibly all the afternoon classes are taking and I'd be stuck with the 7 AM ones. YUCK! I know that the college have tutors if I struggle, but when I had tutors in the past I was unable to stay with 'em because of my low tolerance and anxiety. I can't really explain how they don't help me, they just simply don't.. Maybe it will be different this year. I just need to pull through.

It's just getting harder..

Yesterday, my dad was put in jail, for a reason I don't know why. He wasn't drinking, he wasn't pulled over, he was just at the county jail taking some sort of test, and I guess he failed it and they put him behind bars. Again. I hate this, why can't my dad just learn from the first time? Why can't he grow up and stop being a child? Does he even realize that he's hurting me, he's hurting our family? He might have lost his job, and we are relying on him to keep me and my mom living.. And without his paycheck, without his insurance, we're ... falling. I don't know if things can get any worse. Honestly, I just hate how my life is turning out, I use to be so happy, guilt free, worry free. And then went summer 2011 came along it had to flip upside down.. Last night, I cut myself, the first time in how many years, but it wasn't as bad, I didn't go too deep, but I woke up this morning and there are still red marks.. I can't help but hate myself, I'm struggling, and no one can see it. I'm always locking myself up in my room, afraid to go out and see people, because I don't want them to worry about me.

Realization

I'm part of this program called 'JAG' at my old school, it's a program that helps kids that have a family who struggles with money. The person I wanted to see wasn't there. But the real reason I'm typing this is because went I walked through the hallways of that school, I realized one thing; I actually did it. I walked through those hallways for four years, and never lost hope in myself, I never gave up even with all the struggles I have faced in my life. I knew I could do it, and I did. I graduated with knowledge, though some of that knowledge I probably don't remember (hah!), strength, and belief. It's July, almost August, and I still have yet to register for classes in college. I'm scared to. I don't think I'm ready to conquer another two years of even the hardest part of life; reality, and college. With the bills and payments to worry about, the difficult classes, loans, a job, and now my family. Right now I feel like I can't handle going into college yet. Maybe I'll get a full time job, save up money, and find out who I really am. I don't want to rush yet, I still have things to find about myself, because honestly I don't know who I am yet. I need to do this one step at a time, that's all I can do and have to do.

Opening up

Today during work I opened up to a couple of my co-workers about my eating disorder, one of them has known me for a few years, and the other hasn't. But that one that hasn't known me for a long time, understands and knows what I'm going through. Yeah it was a little bit hard to open up to them, and answer her questions that she kept asking me, it was hard to answer them because I couldn't really exactly get out the words because I was afraid everyone would hear me, and judge me. But it was such a relief to get it off of my shoulders and at least open up to someone. She was really supportive because her mom dealt with bulimia, and she's also seeing a guy who just got out of therapy for bulimia,  so she understands me. She also has a problem with food, but never had an eating disorder herself. It was nice though to open up and tell a stranger (pretty much) about what I'm going through, I feel like I'm getting more support from her than anyone else. She told me herself that if I need anyone to talk to that she will be there for me.