It's just getting harder..

Yesterday, my dad was put in jail, for a reason I don't know why. He wasn't drinking, he wasn't pulled over, he was just at the county jail taking some sort of test, and I guess he failed it and they put him behind bars. Again. I hate this, why can't my dad just learn from the first time? Why can't he grow up and stop being a child? Does he even realize that he's hurting me, he's hurting our family? He might have lost his job, and we are relying on him to keep me and my mom living.. And without his paycheck, without his insurance, we're ... falling. I don't know if things can get any worse. Honestly, I just hate how my life is turning out, I use to be so happy, guilt free, worry free. And then went summer 2011 came along it had to flip upside down.. Last night, I cut myself, the first time in how many years, but it wasn't as bad, I didn't go too deep, but I woke up this morning and there are still red marks.. I can't help but hate myself, I'm struggling, and no one can see it. I'm always locking myself up in my room, afraid to go out and see people, because I don't want them to worry about me.

Realization

I'm part of this program called 'JAG' at my old school, it's a program that helps kids that have a family who struggles with money. The person I wanted to see wasn't there. But the real reason I'm typing this is because went I walked through the hallways of that school, I realized one thing; I actually did it. I walked through those hallways for four years, and never lost hope in myself, I never gave up even with all the struggles I have faced in my life. I knew I could do it, and I did. I graduated with knowledge, though some of that knowledge I probably don't remember (hah!), strength, and belief. It's July, almost August, and I still have yet to register for classes in college. I'm scared to. I don't think I'm ready to conquer another two years of even the hardest part of life; reality, and college. With the bills and payments to worry about, the difficult classes, loans, a job, and now my family. Right now I feel like I can't handle going into college yet. Maybe I'll get a full time job, save up money, and find out who I really am. I don't want to rush yet, I still have things to find about myself, because honestly I don't know who I am yet. I need to do this one step at a time, that's all I can do and have to do.

Opening up

Today during work I opened up to a couple of my co-workers about my eating disorder, one of them has known me for a few years, and the other hasn't. But that one that hasn't known me for a long time, understands and knows what I'm going through. Yeah it was a little bit hard to open up to them, and answer her questions that she kept asking me, it was hard to answer them because I couldn't really exactly get out the words because I was afraid everyone would hear me, and judge me. But it was such a relief to get it off of my shoulders and at least open up to someone. She was really supportive because her mom dealt with bulimia, and she's also seeing a guy who just got out of therapy for bulimia,  so she understands me. She also has a problem with food, but never had an eating disorder herself. It was nice though to open up and tell a stranger (pretty much) about what I'm going through, I feel like I'm getting more support from her than anyone else. She told me herself that if I need anyone to talk to that she will be there for me.

Pizza!

When my mom would ever make frozen pizza, I would have like around two pieces, because that’s all I could really eat. I never really liked pizza when I was in middle school, then I use to eat the schools pizza my sophomore year in high school. But I don’t eat it anymore because it’s a fear food.. Anyway, I’m saying this because my mom is making a pizza right now, and believe it or not, she eats the entire thing by herself!
My mom use to be apart of Weight Watchers long time ago. She always ate healthy, and she was pretty thin (healthy). And then when she stopped exercising and eating healthy, she gained the weight back. She’s not heavy-heavy, but she’s not healthy thin anymore. She’s the reason why I’m scared to gain weight, truthfully.. I’ve always been afraid I’d turn out like her when I get older, that’s why I’m always was afraid to eat more. I was always told what you ate wouldn’t cause you to gain weight when you’re young, but it will catch up with you when you’re older. So I was always afraid on that theory.. And my mom never liked how she looked weight wise, so it always caused a negative affect on me. :/