A day in the Dells

     I went to Mt. Olympus yesterday with my best friend, aunt, and mother. We had a lot of fun, we didn’t go on many rides, only the lazy river (of course!) and the HUGE wave pool that has only one big ass wave that comes out! My mom was taken down by one, and oh my god was it fucking hilarious! She was like a beach whale getting washed up to shore (and she said that herself!) lmfao! It was hilarious! Otherwise, all we did was sit in the sun and have some margarita’s! My friend and I split two normal ones, they were really good for eight bucks a drink! Oh, and that’s a fear food (liquid calories) that I conquered! I didn’t get too badly sunburned because I put SPF 8 on, at least it’s some protection! There was also awesome music playing where we were sitting by the wave pool, a DJ was there and we just danced like no one was watching! Our excuses for acting strange? We will never see these people again in our life! (YOLO!) Then when we were about to leave, these three cute boys walked by and my friend did that cat whistle. We were stopping to get spray on tattoos and they kept looking back at us, then one of the boys actually came running back to us and asked us for our numbers! It was great! Cute boys numbers! Even though they live so far from us. :(
      Then after the water park we headed downtown to shop, we didn't look at many stores like we usually do because every damn store pretty much has the same things! We pretty much just went down there to get their famous fudge! I always get the dark chocolate kind (obviously), it's so fucking good! Pretty much the best damn fudge on this earth! Chocolate/fudge is one of my fear foods, and I am hoping to conquer this fear and eat a piece every night for dessert! It's so worth buying even though it cost me around six bucks for a small long piece of the fudge. I also got a mug that has a cabin feeling to it, and it has Wisconsin Dells written on it. That's what I'll be drinking my tea/coffee out of from now on! We were going to do old time photos, but the prices were pretty expensive and we were getting hungry and tired!
      Well we went to Pizza Pub down there, which has the best pizza ever! My family and I always went there whenever we were down there when I was little, and always got the pizza. My aunt and friend got spaghetti because they were craving it, and my mom and I got two single serving small pizzas. Mine was a vegetarian with green pepper, onions, black olives, mushrooms, and tomatoes. It was thick crush and very fluffy and cheesy! But very good that it satisfied my craving for pizza that I have been having for months! Though the bad thing is that after I was done eating just two pieces of the pizza, I felt horrible.. My aunt doesn't know about my ED and she said, "Oh come on! It was just two small damn pieces, it's not going to hurt you!" and I literally almost cried.. But my mom helped me out and told me, "Don't worry about it, it has veggies, dairy, and starch. It won't hurt you." so that helped me calm down. But pizza is my number one fear food and I actually conquered it without wanting to hit myself or want to workout or even purge. I sat there and I was proud! I did it!
     I had such a great time down there, I always do whenever I'm in the Dell's. I'm hoping to go back up there for Noah's Ark with my cousin and family, and then I'm hoping to stay up there at an old hotel my family and I always stayed at for a weekend or more when I was small. I love it up there! It makes me feel like I'm somewhere else in the states instead of Wisconsin. :)

Cake cake cake!

     Last night I saw a commercial about Dairy Queen's ice cream cake, and those were always my favorite. I use to get them for my birthday but this year I never got one because I was afraid. I was afraid of how unhealthy it was.. I never even got a cake for my birthday because of that fear of how bad it is for me. I wanted one so bad though, but just couldn't fight that voice in my head that kept saying no. I regret not getting one because they are my absolute favorite! I wouldn't need to get a big one, they have mini ones (they're called cupcakes) that I could have gotten which is just one serving. But I guess I didn't think of that.. This summer though, I will and plan to overcome that fear and challenge myself and get ice cream at Dairy Queen. I will not go for the healthy options, I will either get the cupcake or one of their blizzards. I can and will do this!

My father

     Him and I don't really have a good relationship, and never had.. He's an alcoholic, and was never part of the family when him and my mom were together. But when my parents got a divorce, now all of a sudden he wants to be apart of the family.. He was the main reason we got into debt and money issues because of his drinking. I just wish he would stop and actually fix himself. He always relied on my mom to pay for things (like the bills, food, the home, etc.). He lives with his mom because he doesn't really know how to live on his own.. Pretty much he's just a teenager stuck in a 50-year-old body. Even though he annoys my a lot, because he gives me the guilt trip and such, and sometimes I don't really like being around him, I still love him with all my heart because he's my only father.

I felt like writing

     I feel like I'm still maintaining the same weight since I last got weighed at the doctors, which it came out to be 106 lbs. I know I need to gain at least five or seven more pounds, all I want is to be at a healthy weight for my height and I just want my damn period back. It's great not having a period, but also it's bad not to have one. I have been eating more, I am nearly almost to 2000 calories a day since I've been keeping track of my intake on Myfitnesspal as of recently. It's helping me keep track of what I eat in a good way, and I'm not obsessive as I was when I first started counting calories.
     This morning I challenged myself with homemade bread that I got a a local farmers market, it's honey whole wheat and the ingredients are so simple. I always stress about nutrition facts for food, and not knowing the specific nutrition on the homemade bread gave me a huge challenge to overcome. Of course I ate it, toasted with two tablespoons of peanut butter and a banana. It was really good! The problem is I can't really calculate it into Myfitnesspal, there are some foods on the list but they're from other people, and the ingredients may not be the same as this homemade bread.
     I usually don't eat meat, specifically cow meat. But yesterday I was so hungry and craving a grilled hamburger, so my mom and I grilled out last night. I measured the serving size of meat which is around four ounces, and yes the meat was 93% lean so I'm okay with eating that. I usually eat red meat once every two or three months. Otherwise, I just eat chicken, turkey, fish, but mainly vegan burgers.

Big progression!

     I'm officially graduated from high school! June 3rd 2012 was the day I walked across the stage, I felt like I was going to cry when we switched our tassels to the right side of our cap, but I held myself together. This is a big step into my life, and I know I can do it.
     Anyway, I just wanted to mention that! But the big thing here is what is going on with my progress in recovery. Yesterday (June 7th) I had another catch up meeting with my dietitian. I talked to her about what I ate for my graduation party, and graduation day. On my graduation party I had around six pieces of our cake, and then two s'mores, and a lot, I mean A LOT, of fruit! But the main thing that got to me was the cake. But then I remember I told myself that I can't let that voice in my head to get a hold of me, it kept telling me, "Stay away from that cake, you'll get fat because of the butter and unhealthy fats." but I fought that voice, I said, "Screw you, this is my graduation party, I can eat what I want, not like I'll eat it everyday!" and so I ate it. I said it out loud at my meeting too, I said, "It's okay to treat myself, it's not going to mess up anything, I'll be perfectly fine." And I said the the same with the cookies 'n' cream ice cream (one scoop) in a waffle cone at my local ice cream pearl.
     My dietitian was proud of me, she told me that's a huge sign of progress, accepting the fact that I can treat myself and eat my favorite foods. Because I'm suppose to have those cheat days, I can't deprive myself. So lately I haven't been, if I want something, I'll eat it, but in a small portion. Slowly I'm also accepting my body, I got my weight checked and it came to be 106, I gained five to four pounds. It's slowly progressing, it's hard to determine if it's fat or muscle because the scale can't determine that. But I know that I'm getting healthy, for myself and my friends and family. I can do this!