I want things better

I just wish I would get my period back already, then I know that I'm finally healthy and my body is getting its hormones balanced again, and to know I'm a teenage girl again. That's the only sign I'm waiting for, and I'm hoping it's soon. But I need to work on my relationship with food, it's still not healthy. I get these small panic attacks about food I'm eating and how much I ate of it, and I'm once again obsessing over my calorie intakes. I need to somehow block Myfitnesspal so I don't go on it anymore. I just want things back to normal, honestly. I have a slight better view on my body when I look at it in the mirror, but sometimes it's distorted here and there. I've been positive, well, trying at least. But it doesn't help that my family is struggling, and college is in the way. But I know I have to keep going. For myself, friends, and family.

Back in high school.

I feel as though I was never liked.. As if people were annoyed by me, all because I was obnoxious or too loud. But it's something I can't really control. Having ADHD is hard to deal with, especially when I don't take my medication for it. I obviously didn't have many friends back in high school, and don't have many now. I never really liked people, I felt as though I never fit in, so I tended to avoid social events. I wish I could change myself when it comes to this, but I can't, I was born with these genes that I will have to live with through my years of living...

Are things getting harder, or easier?

It's tough to decide if I'm actually getting through this recovery thing. I'm back to obsessing over calories and exercise that I'm scared of going over 1200-1300 calories again, which is a bad thing, I know. But things are just getting harder. Anyway onto other things, I've been wanting to go out with friends and have fun, but I'm scared to like I've always been. My mind is just use to this constant schedule when I would eat and when I would wake, and I know if I go out and drink I'd sleep late and mess up my eating schedule. It's just a constant thing, and it's getting really annoying. I just wish I could knock this messed up voice that's controlling my life, out of my mind!

It gets on my nerves.

My mom wants to support me with recovery, but how can she when she's always pressuring me to just eat and forget about calories and shit. No. It doesn't work like that. And then here she is always eating take out food, fast food, unhealthy crap around me. Does she even realize how it makes me feel?! She doesn't know that it's her fault for my eating disorder....

College classes..

Yesterday was the first day of my brush up classes, lecture reading, lecture English, and math lab. They weren't that bad, but I hate how waste of time they are for my college years. They don't even count towards credit for classes, which is a waste and probably means that I have to stay there for three years instead of two to get the right amount of credits to graduate. This sucks, why must I be so stupid....

I just can't pull through

I just feel like I can't continue going on anymore, I'm crushing slowly under the pressure. I don't know if I can keep on walking now. Just remembering how much pain I suffered through during bullying in elementary school that continued with me on through high school, it's just too much to keep this fake smile on my face. I may seem like this happy carefree girl, and I'm trying to be, but I just can't pull it anymore longer. I'm ugly, I'm fat, I'm dumb and retarded.... My family is just not strong enough, through the struggles the fights, everything that has happened; divorce, foreclosure, job loss. I can't continue on this this struggling pain to keep my family happy, or myself happy. I just want to give up so bad, I just want this pain to go away..... I'm sorry.

A bigger step in life...

College and reality. I'm not ready, I'm not sure if I can do it. I have to have confidence, I know, but knowing that this is a bigger step, a more stressful part in my life, I'm not sure if my patience or anxiety will be in control.. I was too late for registration, and the horrible disappointing part is that I have to do brush up classes first... I cried when I figured that out. It didn't help my anxiety or confidence at all. But I know that it's a way for the college to let me know that they don't want to throw me out into the basic classes right away and stress out more, they want me ready. So that's a nice thing to know. I'm just not sure if I will like it though, because possibly all the afternoon classes are taking and I'd be stuck with the 7 AM ones. YUCK! I know that the college have tutors if I struggle, but when I had tutors in the past I was unable to stay with 'em because of my low tolerance and anxiety. I can't really explain how they don't help me, they just simply don't.. Maybe it will be different this year. I just need to pull through.