Qucik and brief update!

I haven't been here much, and I need to start writing down stuff more because they're all just bundling up and I know soon it will be too much. But, recently I just got my period for sure this time! My body is healthy and back on track once more! I've been going out lately to parties with a friends so I can start being social again, not really working because the liquid calories of alcohol still frighten me. I have been working out lately to Nike Training, only around 30-45 minute workouts, so not intense. I've only been working out five times a week, so that's not as much as I use to be obsessed with!

It's the same, all over again.

I've been struggling lately, ever since I weighed myself on Monday. I'm now 119 pounds, a HUGE difference from being 100 before.. I haven't been that heavy for a year and it's a scary number. Sure I probably don't look like it, but knowing I'm that much, makes me feel like it. I know a number shouldn't define how I look, or who I am, but I'm letting it get to me. My ED voice is telling me to eat little again, to exercise just to loose weight and get back down to a low weight. All I've been looking for, for a sigh to know I'm healthy again, is my period. I haven't gotten mine for I believe a year or maybe eight months. Yeah, that's horrible, I know.. I feel as though I'm alone through this journey. My mom doesn't understand how much I struggle, Cody doesn't realize that this isn't a joke, that this is a serious situation. Actually, I feel like my whole family and friends feel like this isn't a big deal. They're all like, "Just eat. It's that simple." Fuck, no it's not, it's not that fucking simple. This is the toughest thing anyone has to deal with. Because I'm consumed by this voice telling me on what to do, what to eat and not to eat. I can't fight it, I'm not that strong, and that's because I have no one to help me with this. We can't afford a therapist for me, or a dietian anymore. I want to continue, I want to fight and be healthy again, but right now I'm just falling down hill once again. I wish this all would end, that I don't have to worry anymore about food, and eat my favorite meals/food. I miss not worrying about how many calories I'm consuming, how unhealthy a certain food is.

Another new month..

First off, last night I had a lot of candy, well I wouldn't call it a lot since it wasn't that much, but it felt like it. I felt bad for eating it, but not as guilty as I use to, because I wanted it and I didn't want to deprive myself. And plus it was Halloween! Anyway, today is a new month, and so I decided to weigh in. I've reached 119 pounds, and I haven't been that for a year. It scared me, I hated the number, I wanted to try and deprive myself with food. I feel the need to consecutively exercise again to lose weight, because I always hated that number. My mother told me I don't look like it, but I feel like it. If that makes any sense... I know I should be happy, that I'm at a healthy weight, but where the hell is my period then? It's pissing me off. The only way I will know I'm healthy once more is if my period returns, I haven't gotten it for a year now, pretty much, and that's really bad. I can't give up, but all of a sudden I'm crushing under the pressure of my eating disorder voice of telling me to eat little and exercise more. I need to win this, but at the same time, I want to lose . . . .

Old habits returning,

After reaching my goal weight of 115 pounds, I'm returning back to my old habits of eating. I'm only reaching 1200 calories the max, and exercising five days a week. It's hard for me just to stop counting calories, or stop exercising, because I've done it for so long, obsessed with body-image and calories and fat content for so long, it's just sticking to me. I want to stop, honestly, I want to enjoy eating and not feel horrible for what I have eaten. If it's one of my favorite foods, lets say lasagna or one of my moms homemade meals, or a favorite treat my aunt makes, I won't eat it at all even though it's a once in a while deal. Because I'm afraid of the calorie and fat content, and on how bad it is for me. It's just a natural fear I've had for years, a horrible habit and obsession that's hard to break...

I want things better

I just wish I would get my period back already, then I know that I'm finally healthy and my body is getting its hormones balanced again, and to know I'm a teenage girl again. That's the only sign I'm waiting for, and I'm hoping it's soon. But I need to work on my relationship with food, it's still not healthy. I get these small panic attacks about food I'm eating and how much I ate of it, and I'm once again obsessing over my calorie intakes. I need to somehow block Myfitnesspal so I don't go on it anymore. I just want things back to normal, honestly. I have a slight better view on my body when I look at it in the mirror, but sometimes it's distorted here and there. I've been positive, well, trying at least. But it doesn't help that my family is struggling, and college is in the way. But I know I have to keep going. For myself, friends, and family.

Back in high school.

I feel as though I was never liked.. As if people were annoyed by me, all because I was obnoxious or too loud. But it's something I can't really control. Having ADHD is hard to deal with, especially when I don't take my medication for it. I obviously didn't have many friends back in high school, and don't have many now. I never really liked people, I felt as though I never fit in, so I tended to avoid social events. I wish I could change myself when it comes to this, but I can't, I was born with these genes that I will have to live with through my years of living...

Are things getting harder, or easier?

It's tough to decide if I'm actually getting through this recovery thing. I'm back to obsessing over calories and exercise that I'm scared of going over 1200-1300 calories again, which is a bad thing, I know. But things are just getting harder. Anyway onto other things, I've been wanting to go out with friends and have fun, but I'm scared to like I've always been. My mind is just use to this constant schedule when I would eat and when I would wake, and I know if I go out and drink I'd sleep late and mess up my eating schedule. It's just a constant thing, and it's getting really annoying. I just wish I could knock this messed up voice that's controlling my life, out of my mind!