I want things better

I just wish I would get my period back already, then I know that I'm finally healthy and my body is getting its hormones balanced again, and to know I'm a teenage girl again. That's the only sign I'm waiting for, and I'm hoping it's soon. But I need to work on my relationship with food, it's still not healthy. I get these small panic attacks about food I'm eating and how much I ate of it, and I'm once again obsessing over my calorie intakes. I need to somehow block Myfitnesspal so I don't go on it anymore. I just want things back to normal, honestly. I have a slight better view on my body when I look at it in the mirror, but sometimes it's distorted here and there. I've been positive, well, trying at least. But it doesn't help that my family is struggling, and college is in the way. But I know I have to keep going. For myself, friends, and family.

Back in high school.

I feel as though I was never liked.. As if people were annoyed by me, all because I was obnoxious or too loud. But it's something I can't really control. Having ADHD is hard to deal with, especially when I don't take my medication for it. I obviously didn't have many friends back in high school, and don't have many now. I never really liked people, I felt as though I never fit in, so I tended to avoid social events. I wish I could change myself when it comes to this, but I can't, I was born with these genes that I will have to live with through my years of living...

Are things getting harder, or easier?

It's tough to decide if I'm actually getting through this recovery thing. I'm back to obsessing over calories and exercise that I'm scared of going over 1200-1300 calories again, which is a bad thing, I know. But things are just getting harder. Anyway onto other things, I've been wanting to go out with friends and have fun, but I'm scared to like I've always been. My mind is just use to this constant schedule when I would eat and when I would wake, and I know if I go out and drink I'd sleep late and mess up my eating schedule. It's just a constant thing, and it's getting really annoying. I just wish I could knock this messed up voice that's controlling my life, out of my mind!

It gets on my nerves.

My mom wants to support me with recovery, but how can she when she's always pressuring me to just eat and forget about calories and shit. No. It doesn't work like that. And then here she is always eating take out food, fast food, unhealthy crap around me. Does she even realize how it makes me feel?! She doesn't know that it's her fault for my eating disorder....