It pains me...

To see that some girls cut themselves to be thin. I went through this blog on Tumblr last night and it had pictures of girls that cut their wrist because they think they're "fat".. It just gives me this ache of pain, it makes me want to go to them and save them. It makes me want to cry, I know how the social media can be harsh on us women, and I wish it didn't get to us. I wish I could save all these girls from the social media so they don't need to hear that voice saying that they are "fat" and fall into an eating disorder like I did. I want to prevent that so bad, it's my goal to get my voice out there and let girls know that they're not alone, and it's okay to not be "perfect".

I'm the opposite..

Some people only eat five to three meals a day, well for me it's like six to seven meals a day. They eat less to lose weight, I eat more to gain weight, plus, to keep me fueled for soccer. Usually I eat a lot when I get home because I'm so hungry, and that sometimes leads into too much, or a binge. It's uncontrollable and I wish I could stop it, but it's juts a sudden urge. I feel like I'm never satisfied or full, it's ridiculous..

Are you joking?

During my soccer scrimmage yesterday during the breaks in between the games, both teams would snack, and I couldn't believe what I was watching them eat. Candy, nachos, popcorn, hot dogs, soda, etc. Are you kidding me? Do they really believe that they can perform well enough while running on junk food? And there I was sitting eating my lightly salted mixed nuts with my Naked blue machine juice, and then a apple and an orange. It's ridiculous how some people eat. I saw other teams as well eating junk food, like Cheez-It! All that stuff is empty calories with no nutrition. I wish some people would realize how to eat healthy for sports..

Finally diagnoised...

It's not a good thing, but it's good to know what I actually have now and I'm able to say what I have. I went to the doctor a few weeks ago, she asked me a couple questions about eating, my body, and other things. What it all came out to be was that I have an eating disorder, but she classifies it as a disordered eating, this is because I actually eat, but it's too little amount for my body. They also did some blood test on me to see if my body is functioning right. Turns out that I'm low on iron and protein, so I'm slight anemic, all because I decided to go vegetarian. The other reason she said I fell into this disordered eating was because I think it's the only thing I can control in my life, the other stuff around me - like the divorce of my parents, moving, and giving up my cat - I cannot control.. We went back to the doctor to see what she says on what to do about my eating disorder. I just started soccer on the 19th of March, and still haven't gained enough weight for my height average (right now I'm 101 and I need to be around 114-140 pounds) and my weight hasn't even moved since the last time I went to the doctor. The good thing is she said I can still play soccer, but, if I don't gain around 1-2 pounds next time I see her, she will have me stop playing soccer. I cannot let that happen, especially on my last high school career. A question she asked me was do I have trouble concentrating, and do I feel like I'm not very ... "good" at playing soccer this year, and I said yes. The reason is because I'm not giving my brain enough fuel to function properly. Yesterday (March 24th) we had a scrimmage, playing four games, and I could definitely tell that that was true, and it sucks to know that because my team relies on me.. I will be seeing a dietitian soon to see if that helps, I don't want to because we're struggling with money, but my mom doesn't care. She just wants me to get better..
        I really want to gain weight, I want to look healthy and be happy, but I'm scared at the same time. I afraid I'll loose my skinny body, and gain all this fat and have my muscle be hidden because of it.. But I know I need to do this. Recovery is hard. I never wanted this. I never knew I would fall into this pattern. The media got to me at a young age, and it got me at my worst this year..

Nothing like this before...

I binged today, I have no clue why, I never do unless I drink too much, and I only had one glass of wine. This is what I consumed: a large portion of air popped popcorn, a good portion of semi-sweet chocolate chips with some butterscotch chips, around sixteen or so of Wheat Thins reduced fat, Special K Fruit & Yogurt cereal with skim milk (and I'm lactose), some Life cereal, four or five Girl Scout Thin Mints, and three Quaker low fat S'mores chewy granola bars. I feel like it's not so bad, but it is, I ate until I was so uncomfortably full and my stomach hurt so badly I felt the need to throw up. I tried to be honest, but nothing came out. I feel so guilty..