It's just getting harder to recover, to actually accept the fact I need to gain weight. Soccer will start soon and if I'm this underweight and weak, I don't know how I will be able to do soccer. I know I need to gain weight to be healthy again, it's not healthy if I missed my period for four months now, that my hair is thinning, there's dark circles under my eyes, I'm boney, I can barley sleep anymore. I just feel weak 24/7. I want to be strong again, and healthy, I can't stand this anymore. But I'm scared. I don't like the feeling of gaining this weight back, I don't like the feeling of sitting down and feeling my stomach roll over my jeans after eating. It's uncomfortable. It's uncomfortable to eat a lot too, I'm so use to eating so little. I barley have any support in this.
My English teacher, she's so nice, so supporting, that she's trying to help me in this recovery as well. She gives me organic food that is nutritious, I can go talk to her and she is there to listen. She's like a second mom to me right now and I really appreciate her help. My guidance consular is helping me, and so is the social worker at school. My mom is trying to help but she doesn't know what to do, and I understand that, she's scared for her only daughter, and she already has enough stress on her shoulders. My friend Alyssa knows as well, and she's there for support, so is my friend Libby, and I appreciate that they are there for me and care enough to try and help. Otherwise, my other friends don't know what's happening to me, they just know that I'm too skinny.. People don't understand that when they say, "You're too skinny." or what they say, "Oh, I'm too fat, I need to stop eating." they don't realize how self conscious I am, they don't understand that when they say stuff like that, it just makes me feel worse about my body. They sometimes need to realize what they say can affect someone that's going through something, like an eating disorder, already. But they don't know.. No one does. It's hard.
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