It's the same, all over again.

I've been struggling lately, ever since I weighed myself on Monday. I'm now 119 pounds, a HUGE difference from being 100 before.. I haven't been that heavy for a year and it's a scary number. Sure I probably don't look like it, but knowing I'm that much, makes me feel like it. I know a number shouldn't define how I look, or who I am, but I'm letting it get to me. My ED voice is telling me to eat little again, to exercise just to loose weight and get back down to a low weight. All I've been looking for, for a sigh to know I'm healthy again, is my period. I haven't gotten mine for I believe a year or maybe eight months. Yeah, that's horrible, I know.. I feel as though I'm alone through this journey. My mom doesn't understand how much I struggle, Cody doesn't realize that this isn't a joke, that this is a serious situation. Actually, I feel like my whole family and friends feel like this isn't a big deal. They're all like, "Just eat. It's that simple." Fuck, no it's not, it's not that fucking simple. This is the toughest thing anyone has to deal with. Because I'm consumed by this voice telling me on what to do, what to eat and not to eat. I can't fight it, I'm not that strong, and that's because I have no one to help me with this. We can't afford a therapist for me, or a dietian anymore. I want to continue, I want to fight and be healthy again, but right now I'm just falling down hill once again. I wish this all would end, that I don't have to worry anymore about food, and eat my favorite meals/food. I miss not worrying about how many calories I'm consuming, how unhealthy a certain food is.

Another new month..

First off, last night I had a lot of candy, well I wouldn't call it a lot since it wasn't that much, but it felt like it. I felt bad for eating it, but not as guilty as I use to, because I wanted it and I didn't want to deprive myself. And plus it was Halloween! Anyway, today is a new month, and so I decided to weigh in. I've reached 119 pounds, and I haven't been that for a year. It scared me, I hated the number, I wanted to try and deprive myself with food. I feel the need to consecutively exercise again to lose weight, because I always hated that number. My mother told me I don't look like it, but I feel like it. If that makes any sense... I know I should be happy, that I'm at a healthy weight, but where the hell is my period then? It's pissing me off. The only way I will know I'm healthy once more is if my period returns, I haven't gotten it for a year now, pretty much, and that's really bad. I can't give up, but all of a sudden I'm crushing under the pressure of my eating disorder voice of telling me to eat little and exercise more. I need to win this, but at the same time, I want to lose . . . .