College classes..

Yesterday was the first day of my brush up classes, lecture reading, lecture English, and math lab. They weren't that bad, but I hate how waste of time they are for my college years. They don't even count towards credit for classes, which is a waste and probably means that I have to stay there for three years instead of two to get the right amount of credits to graduate. This sucks, why must I be so stupid....

I just can't pull through

I just feel like I can't continue going on anymore, I'm crushing slowly under the pressure. I don't know if I can keep on walking now. Just remembering how much pain I suffered through during bullying in elementary school that continued with me on through high school, it's just too much to keep this fake smile on my face. I may seem like this happy carefree girl, and I'm trying to be, but I just can't pull it anymore longer. I'm ugly, I'm fat, I'm dumb and retarded.... My family is just not strong enough, through the struggles the fights, everything that has happened; divorce, foreclosure, job loss. I can't continue on this this struggling pain to keep my family happy, or myself happy. I just want to give up so bad, I just want this pain to go away..... I'm sorry.

A bigger step in life...

College and reality. I'm not ready, I'm not sure if I can do it. I have to have confidence, I know, but knowing that this is a bigger step, a more stressful part in my life, I'm not sure if my patience or anxiety will be in control.. I was too late for registration, and the horrible disappointing part is that I have to do brush up classes first... I cried when I figured that out. It didn't help my anxiety or confidence at all. But I know that it's a way for the college to let me know that they don't want to throw me out into the basic classes right away and stress out more, they want me ready. So that's a nice thing to know. I'm just not sure if I will like it though, because possibly all the afternoon classes are taking and I'd be stuck with the 7 AM ones. YUCK! I know that the college have tutors if I struggle, but when I had tutors in the past I was unable to stay with 'em because of my low tolerance and anxiety. I can't really explain how they don't help me, they just simply don't.. Maybe it will be different this year. I just need to pull through.