I just want summer

I wanna wear my swim suit as clothing, sit around the campfire and roast marshmallows, wear a tank-top and undies to bed, listen to the birds in the morning with my windows open, sit outside and enjoy the suns raze, go camping with the family and enjoy the relaxation.. I just wanna be happy and healthy again.. I just want to let loose and have fun..


Is that too much to ask for? Hurry up summer.

Birthday weekend!

          Yesterday my mom planned on taking me to the Trempealeau Hotel for lunch, they have the famous walnut burger, but they were fucking closed! I was so pissed off! Instead we went to lame Features, I just had a chicken breast, not very satisfied with it because all I wanted was a walnut burger, but it had to do. Then we went to High Rollers, a skating rink. I use to go there all the time back in 2008 (I was a regular, aka, a “rink rat”) and so it was the first time in three years since I’ve been there and it felt so nice to actually skate again. Still knew how to do all my moves! We skated for about three hours, my mom fell  two times and hurt her butt, lol! So after skating we went back up to Trempealeau Hotel for dinner. Why did I want the walnut burger? Because at my work we have the same thing, and it’s my favorite, but the Trempealeau Hotel is where it originated from so I wanted to compare them. When I took a bite into that vegetarian burger, I ruled that their walnut burger is the BEST. So tasty I ate the whole thing, even when I was full! Their garlic mashed potatoes were to die for as well! And they had asparagus too, dipped in butter, but they were delicious and that is all that counts! I was so full I felt uncomfortable afterwards, but it was well worth it!
          My mom and dad allowed me to have Winter Blackberry Mikes Hard because it would be the last time I can drink with their permission. I had four of them (even when my stomach was upset), and I’m a really bad light weight so I was gone after three, not gonna lie! There was a band playing too in the restaurant called Copper Box, and they are a great band! They’re from Oshkosh here in Wisconsin. I want their CD so bad! But we left before it was half time for them to get the CD. I might just look online and see if I can get it. They’re between polka, rock, and something else. I danced like crazy in my seat to their music! On our way home I ate a plate full of chocolate chip cookies that I made for a friend, there were about 10-14 on there I think. Ate all of ‘em because they were delicious and I wanted chocolate. I kind of feel bad for doing so, because it’s suppose to be moderation. But hey, it’s only one day, I can start over today! So excited for Tuesday when it’s my actual birthday! Mom is taking me to TGI Friday’s, I’m going to try the Dragonfire Chicken, or the Key West Shrimp (I usually get the baby back ribs, but I wanna try something new). So I’m excited. <3

It will take time..

          It's just getting harder to recover, to actually accept the fact I need to gain weight. Soccer will start soon and if I'm this underweight and weak, I don't know how I will be able to do soccer. I know I need to gain weight to be healthy again, it's not healthy if I missed my period for four months now, that my hair is thinning, there's dark circles under my eyes, I'm boney, I can barley sleep anymore. I just feel weak 24/7. I want to be strong again, and healthy, I can't stand this anymore. But I'm scared. I don't like the feeling of gaining this weight back, I don't like the feeling of sitting down and feeling my stomach roll over my jeans after eating. It's uncomfortable. It's uncomfortable to eat a lot too, I'm so use to eating so little. I barley have any support in this.
          My English teacher, she's so nice, so supporting, that she's trying to help me in this recovery as well. She gives me organic food that is nutritious, I can go talk to her and she is there to listen. She's like a second mom to me right now and I really appreciate her help. My guidance consular is helping me, and so is the social worker at school. My mom is trying to help but she doesn't know what to do, and I understand that, she's scared for her only daughter, and she already has enough stress on her shoulders. My friend Alyssa knows as well, and she's there for support, so is my friend Libby, and I appreciate that they are there for me and care enough to try and help. Otherwise, my other friends don't know what's happening to me, they just know that I'm too skinny.. People don't understand that when they say, "You're too skinny." or what they say, "Oh, I'm too fat, I need to stop eating." they don't realize how self conscious I am, they don't understand that when they say stuff like that, it just makes me feel worse about my body. They sometimes need to realize what they say can affect someone that's going through something, like an eating disorder, already. But they don't know.. No one does. It's hard.